hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
