i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
