There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
