i jhust puked up my retainher.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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