Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
