Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
