So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
