dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
