My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
