My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
