3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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