i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
