I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
