There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
