9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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