im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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