Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
