oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
