he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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