Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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