if you like me you must not know who I am
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
