i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
