did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
