oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
