Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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