i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
