my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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