Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
