oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
