I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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