found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
