go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Can Purell be used as lube?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
