I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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