there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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