It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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