i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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