Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
