That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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