The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
