he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
