I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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