Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
