There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
