Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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