I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
