i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
