I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
