the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Randomize
