I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
