an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
